Its been such a long time since I have updated my Xanga...I dont even think anyone comes here anymore haha.

Highlights: High School for meeeeeee is Over! Hooray....4 years of high school over, but some of the friendships will last :] Got accepted to all the universities I applied to: UWO, UT, UoW, UoG, Mac, Queens!

Found a new love, a girl who has been given a terrible reputation due to so many rumours. She's beautiful, inside and out, she the girl of my dreams. I don't think people even expected our relationship to last more than a month, but it has been almost 4 and is goin stronger each day. I am going to miss you so much while I'm in HK, but its only a month. Months fly by when I am with u. We always have fun :]

Lots of new stories and adventures....from May 24, March Break, Prom, Graduation, everything....so many new friends I have met and made this year...so many fun things goin on from parties, to stupid adventures etc lol.

My family from HK came down to visit us for a couple days, it was very fun...and very soon I'll be coming back to Hong Kong so I hope ur rdy! :D

tonite for the first time in a long time, i went to sleep before 10pm. It felt like I got over my insomnia. Its 12:30 am, 2 and a half hours later. I had the most realistic dream i've had in my life. In almost a year I haven't cried over the loss of my mom. I have been truly sad, depressed and with insomnia the past year, but really cry about it? no. It was like I was young again, my head lying on my mom's lap. But I wasn't young, i am as i am now. I was recording something from her, like I needed her as an interviewee. I knew she was gone, but in the dream it felt like she managed to come back and she really was back. I lied my head across her lap in my bed, and thats why it felt so real. It wasn't some place I never have been, or with any obscurities, everything was exact and there. Its just that my mom was there too. I reached my right hand up and she held my hand back. It felt so real, it was the most cherished moment i have felt in the longest time. It felt too real to me, in my left hand, my MD player recording her voice, I felt like i felt that in my hand too. I felt the warmth from her body, and I felt her hand holding mine. For some stupid reason, instead of just letting it go, I had to realize that for some reason it wasn't real. Why?? I don't know, but it did. And instead of just holding her hand for an eternity in my dream, i began to cry. The hand squeezed tighter, but I woke up. And there I was, same room, same position i had my head laid on her stomach, with my hand just over my head clasping air. I broke into tears, and here I am, writing it all down because I never want to forget it. It felt all too real...when I woke, i still felt it, i thought I did anyway...and i worried I would drop my MD player or crush it, altho it really wasn't in my hand. Why did I have to cry, why couldn't I just accept the dream and just go with it? Why realize that there couldn't be any reason she was with me altho it felt like for some reason she was fine and came back? I don't know why...but I broke down and I lost something I would trade for the world. Just to hold her hand again...i never realized how much i miss that too.

What have I done? omgosh...what have I done...I feel like an idiot...did I make a mistake? It feels like I made a huge mistake. Did I just give up on something I shouldn't have? I am so frustrated, so upset, so worried about what I have done. Today, the first day I haven't really spoken or talked to her...it was complete terror. I did tell her i probably wouldn't want to see or talk to her for awhile...just to have some time...but I was so desperate today to find her and talk to her. I went to the library we usually meet at at around 3 pm. I waited until 6, still could not find her...i went to the university library, onto the 5th floor and searched everywhere, then the 4th, 3rd, 2nd, so on..still did not find hher... I called her house, and her home-stay mom said she might be at central library...so i drove back again and looked on every floor...still no...I went back to university library again, searched every floor but still did not find her....I gave up, sad, frustrated, and confused. I went to the mall for dinner..i saw her and she saw me, but she was with a friend. We said hi..but i wanted so badly all night to say so much more. All last nite..i couldn't sleep, I just kept thinking...the thought of not being with her or seeing her or talking to her scared me so much....it was so upsetting. I keep thinking that I may have made the most terrible mistake ever. What if I just lost my one chance at something that is so important, something I could never get back? But again...maybe i'm being super naive, and rushed into everything...maybe overexposure, or something.....but why doesn't it feel that way? After ****** broke up with me, I didn't want to see or talk to her for a long time...its not the same, its so different this time....I can't stand the thought of not being with her, not spending time with her, not being able to help her or anything.....I like her so much, not because she is perfect, but because she is perfect in my eyes. All the tiny details, everything. ARGH it is the worst feeling I have felt in awhile. What if what if? I keep asking....so many rhetorics, so many questions that can't really be answered unless they somehow happen. ARGH...help me please.

So...I did it...done and over with. I did the hardest thing (it felt like) I have done in a while. For the fourth or fifth time, I told the girl I was "seeing" that we shouldn't see each other anymore. This time I stuck by it...and yeah, it really hurts. All I wanna do right now is cuss alot...but i'll try to refrain. It hurts so bad right now, it sucks. I did the right thing though...right? It was not at all my intent to get between a two people who were together. It just happened. It got messy and complicated. Her bf deserves her much more than I do too...and its understandable. A person who has secretly liked someone for over 2 years, who left and came back for a second chance to ask her out truly cares much more. I have known her for a little over a month...so yeah...but why does it feel like I have just tossed a part of me away. I really had to do so much thinking about it...days of trying to decide on what to do...what was right and what was best.  I don't know now even if its the right thing to do, or if it is for the best. But whatever...it will hurt, alot, and for awhile. I told her this already. I honestly...don't want to see or talk or be with her for awhile...it will hurt alot, and I know it will feel awkward. My friend said "you're throwing a perfectly good friendship away"...maybe...but how can I just "act" like nothing happened, or that the feelings just "disappeared". They don't, I can't, and it just doesn't work that way for me. I'll need time...alot of time...but hey, atleast I did the right thing right? Right? Well I hate doing the right thing at times. Can't be selfish tho....so hey, i'll just give up everything else I have, since the most important things I have seem to be taken from me anyways. Yeah, fuck you fate, fuck providence and all that destiny junk. "everything happens for a reason" yeah well fuck that, all that happens to me is I get the shaft. I always have to lose the things I find most important while I'm left with a pile of crap to sort through and live with. Well I am sick of its stench, but it'll never leave me alone. It is my fate (as it seems) to go through lots of tragedy...leading up to what? something better in the future? No, just a piece of poo stuck on my shoe. Hard days, not so good times.

Man...fate or providence has a funny way of coming around and biting you right in the butt, especially with my relationships. I barely have been in any, I'm so very inexperienced with them, but I try my best. My first "real" one didn't work out, but it really was for the better. Long-D and quickness really does not help. I learned lots, and I'm so thankful to have gotten a much closer friend out of it. My next one, sadly took a big turn for the worse. Again, I rushed into it without thinking but hoping for the best. And now...I get feelings for a girl who has a bf already. She is 3 years older, but age shouldn't matter so long as you both like each other am I right? We both do like each other, we've both admitted it...It really is terrible that I have put her through such compromising and confusing times. I talked to her alot about it too, I did tell her I should have stayed away...but she didn't want to...and neither did I. I still wonder, is it too late? should I just go and leave..I don't want to. Her bf came back today, and it is the first day in almost 3 weeks we have not seen each other. I miss her alot already. I have no idea what will happen in the next few days...I know that someone is gonna be hurt, and in most cases I can bet it will be me. *sigh* Hard days, Good Times eh?